What better day to start writing?
I have not always been a feminist. This was for two reasons:
- I was uneducated. Up until a few years ago, if people asked me if I was a feminist I would tell them I didn’t identify as one because I didn’t totally understand the concept,
- The negative connotation around the word “feminism” unfortunately blurred the reality of feminism for me for a very long time.
Although my opinion of institutionalized, ridiculously expensive post-secondary education isn’t entirely positive, I am grateful for many of the experiences that my six (yes, six) years in university gave me. This was not necessarily due to my classes, but because of the community I found myself in at university. This community challenged me to think much more deeply about modern issues of our complex social, environmental, and mental systems.
Growing up I saw many other females as friends, but also as competition. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that competition is healthy – it is a natural part of life. But I don’t think that the way it’s often acted upon is good. To pit yourself against others; to constantly strive to be better than others; to make yourself feel as if you’re better than others and by association, make others feel as if they’re less than you.
Delving into the depths of my childhood diaries is, frankly, embarrassing. One of my favourite activities was ranking my top five friends, and discussing why they were in their respective positions. Sometimes I did have nice things to say – “The reason why I like Blank is because she’s funny and nice;” “What I like about Blank is she’s nice and she’s interested in a lot of things that I’m interested in.” But honestly, I was more prepared to tear my friends apart (spelling and grammar intact for effect):
… she was wearing her dumbest pink shirt with circles on it and her ugly pants with a big, oogly belt attached to it LOSER!!!
Now, after a session of reading my diaries aloud to my (all female) roommates, the many quotable lines from my youthful musings have become popular jokes and meaningless insults. But all laughing matters aside – seriously? I was in grade four and harshly judging my friends based upon their appearances. The entry before that I referred to one of my best friends as T-rex because she had bad teeth. What the actual heck.
From day one I was judging others based on their appearances, and I let these feelings fester. I’m so glad that I never vocalized those harsh words. I would never have classified myself as a bully as a kid, but now that I’ve reflected on my youth, I was just as bad as others. I was the classic bystander. For so. Fucking. Long.
Fast forward almost twenty years and I realized I was still standing on the metaphorical sidelines. I was watching all these other women fighting for the rights we all deserve as human beings. I was learning about the women – both colonized and colonial – who were integral in shaping the place I identify as home. I was learning more about the social system that we find ourselves ingrained within, that tries its best to force norms on people, shoving them into metaphorical boxes, throwing walls around them. I was learning that for years I had seen women as competition rather than an incredible support system that I had failed to tap into and even worse, had failed to contribute to myself.
Just over a year ago now, a friend of mine invited me to an all-girls campout. The mission: Take approximately 15 women on a hike to the beach, and then into the woods to find a cabin that two of the ladies kinda-sorta knew how to find. Talk about girl shit. Bond. You know, the usual. That trip came at a really important time for me. A lot of my barriers were breaking down and I was learning a lot of new things about myself, my community, and greater society.
Down at the beach a bunch of us stripped down to our birthday suits and ran into the bitter cold Pacific Ocean for a dip. We threw our warm clothes on and headed back to our cars to head onto the next destination – the shoulder of the rugged highway where we would wander into the woods and hope to find our humble abode for the evening. Upon entering the woods, the sun quickly disappeared and those of us who had thought to bring them turned on our headlamps. We had a river crossing ahead of us, and it was a dang cold one. Two ladies forged ahead, one standing in the river to assist others in navigating the dark recesses of the river bottom, the other receiving them on the other side. We worked as a team to encourage those who were scared, and when we all got to the other side there was a cheer before we pressed our boots back into the soil.
We headed uphill until we found a clear-cut, which was a sure sign we were headed in the right direction. Following the edge, we eventually found the outline of the small cabin and hastily (yet carefully) approached it, wet and tired. We all piled inside, changed our clothes, prepared the food we’d brought for our potluck, and started a fire. Around the dinner table we discussed one by one the things that we were grateful for. I’m a really emotional person, and I remember being close to tears when I spoke. A lot of the other girls were saying similar things so I felt comfortable discussing what I wanted to. I told them that I’d always preferred hanging out with guys, that I never “understood” girls. That I rooted myself against other women, that I was jealous, and never felt a proper part of the female community. At that moment I was surrounded by these wonderful women that I barely knew, resonating off of their positivity and support. That moment triggered a switch in my brain that had been turned off and forgotten by something engrained in our society. I finally felt like I belonged to my female community – I finally knocked down the walls that I had built around myself and allowed the love and light to pour in. And sweet baby carrots, my friends. Things have changed so much since then.
I have a lot of experiences, things, and people to thank for the changes that have happened to me over the last six years. Though there are many factors at play here, I can honestly say that I have become more present, more thoughtful, more caring, and feel more loved now that I have opened myself up to my feminine community. I thank them endlessly for constantly challenging me to learn more about myself, about community, and about society. I thank them for challenging me to challenge others to do the same.
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